Craktastik
by Elivier
Summary: It is supposed to be spelled that way. Used to be a oneshot, but now not! Heh heh! Kratos likes spending quality time with his son by telling him stories of his past! It is a crackfic if you couldn't tell.
1. Chapter 1

Elivier: ...Er...

Lloyd: What the hell?!

Elivier: ...Wow...

Lloyd: Is that all you can say?! YOU DISHONOR ME!!

Elivier: Don't talk like that!

Lloyd: And you aren't even going to bother telling people you've returned?

Elivier: Well... It is a new story... if I went ahead anf said that then any new readers wouldn't know what the heck I was talking about.

Lloyd: Not like anyone reads these anyway!

Elivier: They do too!! ...I think.

Lloyd: -not convinced-

Elivier: But i've had a few comments that have someting to do with these!!

Lloyd: DON'T LIE!!

Elivier: I'm not!! You meanine!! I'M REPLACING YOU!!

Lloyd: -Gasp- You wouldn't dare!!

Elivier: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! STAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNN!!

-Stahn from Tales of Destiny appears-

Stahn: Huh?

Elivier: He is being mean!! -points at Lloyd-

Stahn: ... Do I know you?

Elivier: O.o You...you... YOU MEANIE!! HOW COULD YOU?!

Stahn: Eh?!

Lloyd: He can't replace me Elivier!! I'm far more huggable then him!!

Elivier: I HATE YOU BOTH!!

Lloyd&Stahn: ...

Elivier: I see how it is!! Well fine!! I'll just go be with someone who loves me! LIKE INU!! -storms off-

Lloyd: Wait... how is the story supposed to-

-Story shuts off-

Stahn: GAH!!

Lloyd: NUUUU!! ELIVIER!! COME BACK!! -runs after Elivier-

Stahn: ... Uh... I'll just disclaim this while Lloyd get Elivier back.

Stahn: Elivier doeasn't own anyone in this story or intro. All of us belong to Namco or whoever the hell crated us.

Elivier: STORY ON DANGIT!!

* * *

Kratos stared at the floor. His reflection stared back from the pool of crimson that had formed on the floor. An angel looked at Kratos blankly, waiting for his orders.

"Why did you paint the roses red?" Kratos asked.

"I thought that is what you whished Lord Kratos." The angel deadpanned.

"You fool! Now the queen will have our heads!" Kratos' voice rose with anger.

"NOOOO!!" the angle sobbed, placing his hands over his crotch. "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY MANHOOD!!"

"THEN GRAB THE WHITEOUT!!"

More angles rushed on the scene, each carrying a bucket of white paint. They began to dump it on the floor.

"Make sure it reaches the ceiling!" Kratos cried. "We don't want to lose our fingers from this cold!"

A shrill scream filled the hall. Kratos' head turned fast enough to give him whiplash.

"That is her!!" Kratos howled. "Quick! To the Kratos cave!!"

Angels began to flee the scene as fast as their wings would take them. Kratos threw open a broom closet and they all began filing in. As soon as the last angel was in Kratos slammed the door shut and locked it.

"HOSTAGES SECURED!!"

Yuan rushed into the room with a bald Mithos right behind him. Yuan yelped as he slipped on the newly painted floor and fell face first into one of the empty buckets. Mithos skidded to a halt, or at least he attempted to. He shoes lost their footing making him slam into Kratos. The auburn haired man held his smaller friend up, looking slightly lost.

"Mithos," he asked "why is your head so shiny?"

"Because that fool shaved my head!!" Mithos sputtered indignantly, jabbing a finger in Yuan's direction.

"No I didn't!!" Yuan cried, pulling the bucket off his now white head. "It was George I tell you!!"

"There is no such person!!" Mithos flailed wildly, forgetting that the human has behind him.

"Perhaps the cookies decided it was time for payback?" Kratos asked suddenly.

The room fell silent.

"OF COURSE!!" Mithos shouted. "THOSE BASTARDS!! I'LL SHOW THEM WHO OWNS THEM!!"

Mithos ran from the room, his head reflecting the light into Kratos' face, momentarily blinding the poor seraph.

"AW GOD!!" Kratos shouted, throwing his body around wildly.

"NUUUUUU!!" Yuan bellowed. "MY POOR KRATOS!! I'L SAVE YOU!!"

Yuan dove at Kratos, bringing him down to the floor. Kratos grunted and opened his eyes to glare heatedly at the cobalt.

"DA HELL YUAN?!" He shouted. "THIS WAS MY FAVORITE OUTFIT!!"

"I AM VICTORIOUS!!" Yuan decided to ignore Kratos' rants and instead held the man up in the air.

Kratos spun around slowly in the air, not even touching Yuan's hands. In the distance Kratos could hear a familiar tune playing.

DUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUH!!

"ALL THAT IS HOLY!!" Kratos shrieked, his voice reaching a high soprano. Yuan clapped his hands. "That is the legend of Zeldsa treasure theme!! THIS IS TALES OF SYMPHONIA!! WFT MAN?!"

Yuan gasped, placing a hand over his mouth. He forgot that he was holding the human up, thus the magic was lost. Kratos fell to the ground in an undignified heap.

"Sooo…," Yuan drawled "what exactly did happen to Mithos' hair?"

"I replaced his shampoo with a highly concentrated acid." Kratos explained as he stood up and brushed himself off. "In a week or so his skin will turn green and we can call him fishman."

"I knew there was a reason I loved you." Yuan chuckled.

Kratos simply smiled before pulling the half-elf into a long passionate kiss.

YouknowIactuallydon'tnormallywritestufflikethis.Howodd.ButIhavetoadmitthatIenjoyittoapoint.

Lloyd stared at his dad confusedly. Kratos kept talking, going into details of the night he spent with Yuan. The brunet decided it was enough.

"Dad." Lloyd coughed. Kratos' attention snapped back at Lloyd, drool running down his cheek.

"What is it Lloyd?" Kratos asked, wiping the drool off with his white sleeve.

"Are you okay?"

"Fine Lloyd!" Kratos' voice was high and chipper.

"I… just can't imagine you… being so…so…"

"Sexual?" Kratos offered.

"No… well yes, but no. I can't imagine you being so weird!"

"Lloyd, we had four thousand years alone together. Things won't stay normal for very long."

Lloyd nodded slowly, knowing that the statement had to be true.

"…Now what?" The teen asked.

"NOWZ I IZ TEH RAPING U!!" Zelos shouted, popping out from a bush.

Lloyd shrieked like a little girl as Zelos threw him over a pink clad shoulder and jumped back into the bushes. Moans echoed through the forest.

Kratos stared at the spot in front of him where his son once stood. He was silent for a bit.

"HOW COME I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT?!" he cried and ran off to find a certain cobalt haired half-elf.

* * *

Elivier: Review!

Lloyd: Oh don't be like that! We should at least give them a proper good-bye!

Elivier: ...I wouldn't be so pissy if it weren't for you!

Lloyd: You can't guilt trip me and you know it!

Elivier: ...I know..

Lloyd: Now be nice.

Elivier: Fine... Thank you for reading Craktasik!! Please review!

Lloyd: Much better!


	2. Chapter 2

Elivier: Another chapter!

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: This was supposed be a oneshot, but my good friend wanted more.

Lloyd: yup.

Elivier: So here you are Skittle!

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: It was a long wait, but I finally managed to-

Lloyd: Yup.

Eliver: ...

Lloyd: Yup

Elivier: I think I broke him.

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: Oh shoot.

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: Well then I'll do the disclaimer I suppose. I don't-

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: Own any of the characters-

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: Who ever made them does. So Story on!

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: ...

* * *

"So the meeting is taking place at the top of the mountain in the distance." Kratos explained pointing to a large snow covered peak that could barely be seen beyond the clouds. "It'll be really hot there so be sure to wear something warm."

The trees swayed gently as if to respond. Kratos scowled.

"Don't take that tone with me young sapling!" He chided.

At that moment Yuan came running up. He had one hand placed protectively over his tummy and a blue bag in the other. He threw the bag at Kratos' head.

"And that's what you get for leaving the cheese to spoil!" The cobalt screamed.

The bag bounced lightly off Kratos' head as if it were a balloon. Kratos fell to the ground screaming, curling his arms around his left shin.

"How could you do that?!" He cried. "I was just in the middle of a pep conference!"

"Oh really?" You panted dubiously as he reached Kratos. "Then what is this I see?!"

He picked up the bag that he had thrown at Kratos earlier and held it in the auburn haired man's face. Kratos recoiled, holding his hands up in defeat.

"NOOO!" He cried. "How could this happen?! My one true weakness! THE COLOR BLUE!!!" Yuan smirked. "I mean everyone knows that purple is the new black! How could I possibly wear something so horrible?!"

"You mean like your wings?" Yuan asked.

"Those aren't blue!" Kratos gasped. "They can't be! There is no way!"

He pulled his wings out quickly, watching as radiant sparkles fell from the nearly transparent blue feathers. Yuan stared in awe at the shining wings, falling to his knees and bowing deeply.

"Oh great master," he spoke though his words were muffled by the ground he had placed his face on "you are the ruler of us all! I should have known! All the signs were obvious!"

Kratos kneeled next to Yuan and swiftly pulled the cobalt close to his chest. Yuan grasped onto his shirt tightly.

"Come my darling," Kratos whispered huskily "we must depart. This world no longer needs people like us."

"But where will we go?" Yuan gasped.

Kratos stood quickly, picking Yuan up bridal style. He struck a pose as the sun glared behind him.

"I do not know, but it will be far from this accursed place." His voice was bold and heroic as he pointed into the distance. "We can live a happy life there."

"Oh Honey!" Yuan cried, flinging his arms around Kratos' neck and huddling close. "And we can have children!"

Kratos' brow furrowed in mild confusion.

"But… we're both men…" he muttered.

"Strange." Yuan looked down at his stomach. "Then why did the pregnancy test come out positive?"

They both stood there in silence with Yuan looking down at his stomach and Kratos staring off into the distance. Finally Kratos released his hold on Yuan, letting the other male fall to the ground.

"You whore!" Kratos snarled. "We haven't even done anything yet!"

"I thought you would be happy!" Yuan sobbed. "I thought that you always wanted a son!"

"Not if it belongs to another man!"

Kratos turned his back on the cobalt and stomped away. Yuan cried after him, but Kratos never turned back.

"And that's when I met your mother."

Lloyd's eye twitched as his father finished. He had been sitting, trying to do his homework for once in his life when Kratos had crashed, quite literally, into his room and started telling Lloyd this ridiculous story. He just wanted to do his work so he could play!

"That's nice Dad." He growled. "Can you leave now?"

"Why would I do that Lloyd?" Kratos asked. "Don't you want your old man around to change your diapers?"

"I don't _wear_ diapers _old man_." Lloyd hissed. "I'm trying to complete my homework!"

"Well you should've just said something then!" Kratos huffed.

Without another word he pulled the paper Lloyd was writing on off the desk faster then Lloyd could see and began filling the paper out at light speed. He placed it back on the desk and put his hands on his hips triumphantly. Lloyd scanned the paper quickly.

"The answer to life isn't 36 Kratos!" Lloyd cried. "It's 42! I thought you understood that!"

"What?!" Kratos gaped. "I got something wrong?! NOOOO!! MY ROLE OF COOL SMART MAN HAS BEEN RUINED!!"

Kratos slapped his hands to his face, covering his eyes in shame. Lloyd watched with mild interest before promptly changing the answer to the question then stood from the desk and left the room as Kratos continued to seizure on the floor. Outside Sheena and Zelos were waiting for him.

"Well that was quick." Sheena stated. "Here we were thinking we would have to wait while you did your work."

"Kratos came and finished it for me." Lloyd sighed. "Right after he told me a weird story that is."

"Another one?" Zelos asked.

"He has been alive for thousands of years." Sheena hummed. "He probably knows some good stories. What was this one about?"

"How he met my mom." Lloyd deadpanned. "I don't really want to think about it so can we change the topic?"

"How about we head to the casino?" Zelos' eyes became hearts as he thought of the hunnies there. "I want to see those bunny girls."

Sheena seemed ready to smack him when she was stopped as someone screamed like a banshee. They all turned to see Yuan crashing through Lloyd's window into his room.

"KRATOS MY LOVE WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO YOU?!" He cried.

Lloyd flinched and began ushering his friends away from the scene quickly. Once they were all out of sight Yuan broke through the wall of Lloyd's room to the outside.

"CURSE YOU TOMATOES!!!!" He screeched. "CURSE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-" He took a large gasp of air."OOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!"

* * *

Elivier: Another chapter is history!

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: You know what?

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: I'm more sure then ever that I broke him.

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: Shoot! I'm an idiot!

Lloyd: -Enthusiastically- Yup!

Elivier: Wait a second...

Lloyd: Yup.

Elivier: ...You're an idiot.

Lloyd: Nope.

Elivier: Ah ha! Faker!

Lloyd: Nope.

Elivier: Are too!

Lloyd: Nope.

Elivier: You are- oh never mind.

Lloyd: Idot.

Elivier: Hey!

Lloyd: Idiot.

Elivier: Well screw you too! Read and review everyone!

Lloyd: Idiot.

Elivier: I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!!!


	3. Chapter 3

Elivier: It's extremely short but I had the sudden insparation.

Lloyd: Your computer is about to die.

Elivier: Shut up and do the disclaimer so I can post this.

Lloyd: As you wish _master_.

Elivier: _Lloyd..._

Lloyd: Elivier doesn't own the characters of this story. Namco and whoever else made us does.

Elivier: Story on!

* * *

"THE CAKE IZ THE LIEZORZ!!!"

"NOEZEZ!!! IT CANNOT BE!!!"

Lloyd slammed his head on his desk repeatedly trying to kill himself before someone noticed. Unfortunately for him a villager decided that it was the appropriate time to run into the classroom and start screaming about the two crazy seraphs that were running around the town of Iselia screaming something about cake.

"And one of them had a strange likeness to little Loydie over there." He shouted, pointing at the brunet. Lloyd slammed his head on the table once more.

"Thank you," Raine sighed "now get out of my classroom. I have students to teach."

"Yes m'am!" He shrieked and dashed from the classroom. He greeted the lady outside with a loud shout even though she was right in front of him.

The class was painfully silent as everyone besides Raine stared at Lloyd whom still had his head pressed up against the desk. Genis moved over to his seat and placed a small hand on the brunet's shoulder comfortingly. The smaller boy opened his mouth to speak when a loud scream tore through the streets.

"PUT THE TOMATO DOWN YUAN!!"

"NEVER!"

"YUAN SPIT IT OUT!! NO YUAN NOOOOO!!!!"

Lloyd slammed his hands against the table loudly and stomped from the room after making sure he strapped on his swords. The class watched him and waited with baited breath as the area outside became deathly quiet.

"Oh Lloyd," deep voice spoke "what are you doing out of class? You should be learning!"

"Listen to your father Lloyd." A more feminine but still masculine voice spoke. "Teaching is good for your soul."

The class heard the sound of Lloyd's swords being unsheathed; Genis was half tempted to cover his ears as the sound seemed a million times louder in the stillness.

"Lloyd?" The deeper voice asked. "Lloyd what are you doing?"

"Gah!" The feminine one cried. "L-Lloyd wait! We can talk this out!"

"Put down the sw- OH MARTEL NO!!" screamed the masculine one. "LLOYD STOP!! PUT YUAN DOWN LLOYD!!"

"COGPHPAGLUCK!!!"

"AH!! NO!! YUAN!! DON'T DIE!! …Wait! Wait Lloyd! Stop I say! Drop the to-GACK!!"

Everything fell silent once more; Lloyd stomped back into the classroom and took his seat. He waved for professor Raine to continue, took out his charcoal and started doodling on his paper.

* * *

Elivier: Great! Done in record time!

Lloyd: Sure was.

Elivier: Now I just need to finish that chaper of "The Game" and I'll be happy.

Lloyd: Get on that later. You laptop is gunna die.

Elivier: Yeah yeah... Please read and review!


End file.
